Felines, Paul Hollywood, and Turning on the Red Light.

Hello y’all. Please scroll down and check out a cat in need of a home. As for the rest, just my latest YouTube nonsense. In the first video, Tucker takes on a starring role as I ponder Paul Hollywood’s midlife crisis. Mad props to our dear friends Jake and his lovely wife Ariana for getting us into The Great British Bake-off and all things Hollywood. I’d heard of the show but just never got around to watching it until now. We’re currently on the 3rd season and I feel inspired to baaaaakkke.

In the second video, I talk about the advantages of red light therapy for the skin and pain. Nothing earth shattering or life transforming in either video, unless you count the appearance of the greatest feline in the world.

Speaking of felines, we have another stray cat coming around that I’ve been feeding. I’d love to take him in, but we already have 3 cats that aren’t fond of their own kind. One who’s immune system is compromised from Feline HIV, one who is older and set in his ways and another who is a wild child to the core.

Anyway, a neighbor and yours truly are trying to find the little guy a home. If you know of anyone in North or South Carolina in need of some serious cuteness, this cat has it in spades. It’s the sweetest thing and looks no more than a year old if that.

Seeing The Cleese. 

John Cleese is one of my favorite comedians. I’m old school, lovelies. .  I adore him. Many thanks to my Mister Constant for surprising me with tickets to his upcoming show. I’m so looking forward to seeing him live on the 19th. It should be a fun evening. If you aren’t familiar with his work, shame on you. 😜 Please allow me to catch you up. 

Cleese is probably best known for his various roles in the British comedy Monty Python’s Flying Circus. I love him for his role as Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers. He is also known for his award-winning role as Archie Leach in the American / British comedy film A Fish Called Wanda. In honor of the upcoming show I give you one of his funniest television moments, followed by some Cleesisms.

“He who laughs most, learns best”

“The most creative people have this childlike facility to play.”

“A man will give up almost anything except his suffering.”

“The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.”

“In Britain, girls seem to be either bright or attractive. In America, that’s not the case. They’re both.”

And now a tune for Wednesday. I so love these lyrics  and Vance Joy. 

Gold, when you see me

Hi, if you need me

Babe, that’s the way it was

That’s the history

Blue, how we used to roar

Like an open fire

That’s the way it was

But that’s history

Something Different 

I think Jimmy Kimmel is my new favorite Jimmy. Sorry Fallon. I love his friendship with Sarah Silverman. They’re the cutest ex couple ever, I swear Sarah is aging backwards. 47 and she looks bettet than ever.  Anyway, this clip just makes me happy. I’m so easy to please at times,  The “woke Jimmy” part cracks me up, Have a wonderful Saturday. 💕

Canada, Air Supply, and Paul

My lovely Canadian friend Paul was gracious enough to write a letter for me. If you aren’t following this very talented and funny guy, you are missing out on some really thought-provoking and hilarious posts. His blog has it all poetry, random musings, insight information, Canadian goodness and witticisms galore. He seems to have a weird Air Supply fetish though. Must be a Mapleleaf thing

Dear Tosha, I once mentioned Air Supply in one of my blog posts and you found it funny. So funny, in fact, that you haven’t let me forget about it. I appreciate that. That being said, my intent for this letter is to litter it with Air Supply lyrics. In fact I planned on starting this […]A Letter To Tosha

Friends, Funny, Writing, Paul’s Letters, Life, Humor, Personal, Fiction, music, Poetry, Love, People, Letter, Blogger

https://captainsspeech.wordpress.com/2016/12/20/a-letter-to-tosha/

Put It All On.

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In my gentlemen’s club
the ladies come out on stage
in baggy sweats and hoodies
then ever so slowly put on
winter coats, boots and mittens.

They grind to the beat of a
girl power song, briefly
flipping off the stripper pole

A big tipper can take
one of the ladies
to the back room
and tie up her boot straps.

-Tosha Michelle

Happy International Women’s Day.

The Pillow Who Loved Me

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Every night her bed spoke to her, but her pillow had no use
for language. It was too busy being soft and comfortable.
Its natural state, one of rest. She was clueless to its
aversions and desires, but suspected it feared dust mites,
daylight, and the sound of the alarm clock. The bed loved to
share all its secrets of sleepy heads, and banging heads, and
unmentionable head. The pillow refused to participate in such
tomfoolery. Its downtime was spent inside a silk cul-de-sac
so quiet even darkness was suspicious.

If the pillow had any hobbies, they were wordless, soundless. Oh how she hoped darkness was on to something, and that the pillow secretly carried on a 007 life of adventure; Something sinful and dangerous, wild and ridiculous. A secret life of motion, martinis, fast cars, exotic locations. A place where pillow was always in its prime and at its fluffiest. A place where, when asked its name, you could hear it say, in true debonair fashion, Bond, Pillow Bond.

-Tosha Michelle

Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships

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This is an excerpt from a silly little book I wrote called Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships. You can find it on Amazon. But save your money, a lot of it can be found here on this site. I suck at self promotion. It’s okay, because I’m so good everything else. I’m kidding.

Men, what you need to know about women:

1. We women like to be taken, but not in a way that requires our fathers to bring out their particular set of skills. You know, the ones they have acquired over their long career. No, we want be taken up against the wall, on the dinning room table, the bathroom counter, on your desk, etc. We love to feel wanted and desirable. Dominate us in the sexiest way possible.

2.Tears are not a sign of weakness. It’s OK to be sensitive (unless you’re crying because you have nothing to wear, or you missed a “Real Housewives” episode)

3 There are two places tighty whities belong, on babies, or in the trash.

4. The vacuum cleaner and mop will not bite you. Go ahead, try them on for size. I dare you.

5 Sometimes all we need to hear is “No, honey, let me do it.”

6.Cologne is sexy, but no need to bathe in it.

7. A kiss on the hand at the right time can be quite lovely, at the wrong time, equally as creepy.

8. By all means, be the man in the relationship when it comes to killing bugs, or opening jars. We don’t mind.

9. However, never tell us what to do. EVER!

10. We want to be your muses but not in a sleazy photographer kind of way. We long to bring out your inner Shakespeare, not Larry Flynt.

11. Withhold nothing. We need to know where all the carbon goes, and why prime numbers remain a mystery. I’m looking at you, Riemann hypothesis. Why is it all so weird? Oh, and everyone you have ever dated, and what you had for lunch, and how your day was, and what your brother said on the phone. Etc
.
12. Your mother was right, manners matter. Prove to us chivalry is not dead.

13. Please don’t tell us to calm down. You calm down!

14. I mentioned this last time but felt the need to reiterate, no, we do not want to see a picture of the little engine that could. Keep it wrapped up, buddy, until sexy time (which reminds me, never call sex, sexy time.)

15. Just because your friends might find us appealing doesn’t mean we want to to be with them. (unless your friends are Timothy Olyphant or Jon Stewart)

16. Please talk about your feelings. We want to know what’s going on in those heads of yours. However, we don’t have to have a come to Jesus meeting or an Oprah moment.

17. Douchebaggery is never a winning look. Wear compassion and humanity instead.

18.There’s nothing hotter than a man with tools, unless it’s a man with a book.

19. We like wearing your old college sweatshirt or sleeping in your t-shirt. Prepare to share. It makes us feel close to you.

20. All we need is affection, attention, love, chocolate — and a guy with a big…………………………………………………………….

brain.

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The British Are Coming

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If you aren’t following this lovely whackadoo, you’re missing out on some pretty terrific stuff.(See link below) God, it pains me to write that. He’ll get that. You won’t.

I’d like to keep him all to myself but where’s the blog love in that? I encourage you to follow the link and the yellow brick road. I promise you’ll like the man behind the curtain. I don’t, of course, but that’s another story 😉 Seriously, check him out 

No. 2095 – http://wp.me/p27egX-2Ko

If I Were King of The World

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This isn’t my most eloquent poem. I’m aware. My silly and playful side needs an outlet, too. For now, I’ve locked angst in the closet.

If I were king of the
world. For this poem
let’s suppose that
this is a thing.

I would never lose
touch with the details.
I would answer all
your calls.

I would be a regular
at the Starbucks you
hang out in.

There would be laugher
in thunder. I wouldn’t
pretend to be bigger
than you.

Salvation would be
found in art and folly.

The mourning doves
would learn jazz and
how to wing it.

The livable life would
be embraced. Slow on
recliners and TV viewing.

Everyone would have
a place at my table.
I would dispense milk
and clothes, but never
unsolicited advice.

Good sex and good
manners would be
cultivated.

Love would come
without conditions.
I would lay my kisses
on imperfections
and celebrate the
different and strange.

I would do my best to
catch hearts falling
from pine trees.

Everyone would be
required to read Henry
Miller and Fitzgerald.

The Karxashians and E
would be banned to their
own island. Egos and
ignorance too.

Like any king, I would
contradict myself, but
mostly, with humor and
nonsensical poetry.

Water would be
plentiful. Wine too.

I wouldn’t take away
all your burden, some
are needed. How flimsy
our characters would be
without them.

Earth would be spun
in hope. There would
be 7 days of fun. The
8th day, chocolate.

Instead of a robe
and crown, I would
wear yoga pants
and a T-shirt with
James Purefoy face
on it. Everyone would
know who James
Purefoy is.

Words would live in
evey home. Love
would hang out in
the kitchen.

The inner world would
would trump the outer,
which reminds me,
there would be no
Donald Trump.

-Tosha Michelle

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