White Hillsides and Falling Into a Leap

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Calming breath as I walk in the cold. The sky cast in a sober shade of melancholy. On the ground a thin layer of snow, lined by my footprints, creating a circle. Feet that have lost their direction. No faith in the journey. My heart blue with evening. My soul in the dark hours. My mind in paraphrase.

It’s a New Year. Time to let go of past regrets, focus on the now. Toss out our bad habits and scrawl a new list. Do I still have use for such things?

Soon January will mutate into February. Hibernation is a kind of conservation, I remind myself. I could live inside, sleep until spring comes. Let my dreams refurbishes and rehabilitate. No longer full of Cinderella wishes, but still wishful.

I’m not as young or as uncomplicated as I once was. My spirit has never been still. The future is an Edward Hopper’s painting, a lost penny on the side of the highway. Perhaps, this is what purgatory is like: the scent of falling snow, the taste of ash, the endless road of what was, the journey to what will be.

As I walk back inside. I catch a glimpse of myself in the living room window. For a moment, I see the reflection of the girl I used to be. Shy. Timid. Meek. She was always happy to linger in the hallway outside her life.

Would I go back to the days before I became unmoored,  before my life accumulate in experience, sorrows, and lessons learned? I don’t think I would. A dust free existence isn’t really living, is it? The artful dodge is only artful for so long.

Perhaps, Purgatory really is where we understand the multiplicity of self. That what’s left for us, is what we make it. Maybe I’ve been trying too hard to remove myself from the syllables. Perhaps, there’s grace in the old nouns, adjectives, and verbs, and hope in the new ones.

As I go to close the front door; I note my footprints, and how the snow looks brighter and softer in the half light. Could it be my steps have purpose, even if the heaven I’m looking for isn’t there?

-Tosha Michelle

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78 thoughts on “White Hillsides and Falling Into a Leap

  1. Lovely write as usual Tosha. It is a time for letting go and shedding what is gone perhaps forever. So very true your words and thoughts, one should never want to rewind the clock but revel in the complexities of the self. There is hope always to be what one was meant to be despite the roadblocks or hurdles. Your philosophical writing is always as good as your witty poems. Kudos to you ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Beautifully written, Tosha. Every time I come across my footprints in the snow in front of me, I have to resist the urge to make a tighter circle. But we all know that leads to standing still…so I force myself into a wider arc, and I’m lucky enough to come across your footprints and follow them to you.

    You’re an amazing writer. So happy to have met you. All my best.

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  3. Oh wow Tosha. This is so well-written. You’ve touched on what all humanity hopes and strives for – purpose. We all want our life to have purpose and meaning. Our souls long for it.
    Love the photo. Did you take it?
    Have a lovely Sunday, even though January in the northern hemisphere is often trying. Hopeful Spring is just around the corner.
    ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

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  4. Tosha, ooo, do I love these lines: “Maybe Iโ€™ve been trying too hard to remove myself from the syllables. Perhaps, thereโ€™s grace in the old nouns, adjectives, and verbs, and hope in the new ones.” Dang, wish I’d written them! Jealous! Beautiful work here, the whole dang thing. As I’ve said before: I like your prose, too. ๐Ÿ™‚ Looking forward to talking with you soon.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Great! You know, I’ve been so “buried under” my writing this week — it’s been nice, but I’ve let so much get behind (like cleaning the house). ๐Ÿ™‚ But later today and tomorrow I’m going to go through the tweets and try to figure out what I’ll need to do. So, fair warning: you’ll probably get a few tweets from me soon, lol. Keep writing, Miss! Lovin’ the prose and the poetry!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Your prose poetry is among my favorite to read…it is always fresh and filled with beautiful description, drawing the reader in to a whole new world…in this piece I enjoyed your allusion to Inferno as I believe our purgatory (whenever we experience it) serves a great purpose…thought-provoking, your piece is a reminder that all things pass and tomorrow is a new day…beautiful, Tosha!

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  6. I adore you and the expression you present in my mind. These thoughts are precious and I am thankful you share with us all. I imagine how the snow clings to your shoe and travels to a new destination. And how your footprint leaves’ a part of you in time. The way your breath condenses in the cold air giving warmth to your surroundings. In as much how I too am breathing the same air as you. It is as two mirrors, facing each other and reflecting into infinity. The funny thing about life, it is always not calm. Still we journey. Still we love. Even in the presence of purgatory… We are snowflakes of a heavenly purpose, we are a gift to ourselves.

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  7. I think we have to be a little unmoored to be in contact with the unknown that is alive within us. I think it’s a purgatory when we falter, because we feel an uncertainty about the outcome. When we wander in circles. But we are always found, and possibilities drop our silences a note. Probably in February, or maybe March… ๐Ÿ™‚ Lovely writing, Tosha…

    Peace
    Michael

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  8. I love where your writing goes here, the questions, the emotional journey, as well as the hopefulness found throughout and especially in the last paragraph. Always well written and always thought provoking. Hereโ€™s to dust, a good healthy layer protects everything! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

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  9. This was quite a beautiful trip Tosha. I enjoyed reading about someone walking in the cold after a hot day here in SoCal. The music reflects the feelings very well!

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  10. Thank you very much for summarizing my life in such few words and then adding the perfect music to it too. Between reading your lines and watching Matt Damon hibernating after being left behind on planet Mars ( The Martian ), I am convinced that our current footsteps in the snow will somehow be a guide to others , who themselves may have lost their path along the journey on this cold cold winter , called life . Thank you so much .

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Bonsoir MICHELLE

    Tiens,tiens
    Mais que fais-je par ici
    Me serais-je perdu
    Mais non รงa y est je me rappelle
    Je venais te dire bonsoir
    Te souhaiter une belle soirรฉe
    Aprรจs une petite halte chez toi
    Je vais continuer mon trajet
    Je te fais une bise d’amitiรฉ
    Bernard

    Liked by 3 people

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