Beyond The Red Door

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Every year since that year,
I allow myself to go
back to that summer.
I draw myself back there
to our little cottage
we rented on the beach.
Back to unwilled, wilful
blindness.

I can still see it so clearly.
How it had that bold
red door and blue shutters.
How I would curl up
on the sofa,
pretending to read. But secretly,
not so secretly, be looking at you.
I was always more interested
in trying to decipher
the depth of your character any way.
You were the book
I wanted to learn.

I remember you standing
in the kitchen,
intent on preparing
the perfect meal.
Stirring the sauce your mother
taught you to make.
Not knowing then,
that there was nothing
I could say to keep you
from leaving me.
Erasing us, but not the memory
of you, shirtless, standing
by the stove, beckoning me over
with your sweet grin.
Ms. gladly abandoning the
words on the pages.
You offering me the spoon.
I can still taste the salt
on my tongue, and you.
Soon you would take your
portion of my flesh.
Turning something fruitful
and sweet into
sometimes bitter.

Every year since that year,
I allow myself to go back
to he place where we lived.
Where desire and joy coupled
with ignorance and foreshadowing.
Then having mercy on myself
Hand over hand. I draw
myself back.

-Tosha Michelle

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101 thoughts on “Beyond The Red Door

      1. wwwpalfitness

        There are two ways to read comments by someone. Either when we get a notification but if we get a lot it is if they are gone. I only found this out maybe 4 months ago, my site is an old school that it retired and mine has the admin tab on the bottom. Others have to sign in and then type http://yoursite.wordpress.com/wp-admin and press enter and you get to your controls and one of them are the comments section. I know some people can’t fight their admin here and there and I occasionally lose it. Like if I see 100 comments from I might get 6 comments in my admin section as we are talking there, like we are now. With that it displays your email address, which you and I have it in our profiles and you have a lot more names than me, lol. But I have seen you posting in South Carolina and LA if I would say 3 and 3. Otherwise, you are somehow a ghost..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. wwwpalfitness

        Like I said maybe 3-3, maybe 4-2. I am curious about your show. I am guessing it started and you lived there at the time?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. wwwpalfitness

        I just checked it and I have no comments from you and 3 other people are missing. It sometimes as simple as stop following or doing anything else while half asleep

        Liked by 1 person

      4. wwwpalfitness

        Well it’s WP for you. You can hardly get support. I have had 7 comments that I see in notifications but not in Admin, I kind of gave up trying to figure some things out. When I looked for a new theme 3 times they all had differences and kinks and I just settled.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. wwwpalfitness

        It gives me other things to do. My DR visit was bad today. I have to test myself hopefully starting tomorrow. I think I landed a gig Thursday and hope for Saturday:)

        Liked by 1 person

      6. wwwpalfitness

        I was told I would get blood tests today and I did not get a call. I have had at worst a higher liver enzyme, based on diet or I would be vitamin deficient if I did not take them for 2 days. I slept pretty much all day. I had to hit replay in my head to remember what I did today. I fell asleep sprawled on my bed eating and typing and just went out and woke up a mess. I was sad I lost a possible gig Thursday as I was at the Dr and the PA would not let me answer, I said I have barely worked and she said no. They found someone else right before I called in 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      7. wwwpalfitness

        I am trying but the worst is when drs force specialists and next thing you know you are seeing 6 and then they don’t like vitals where mine have been high for 20 years as I have narrow veins and in the extremities my arteries. I did not want to waste my time yesterday. Besides being sleepy I feel OK, though I had little memory that I did the workout somehow as well. I fell asleep 4 xs today. I have not switched anything and suddenly I am shot, sad losing tomorrow and hopeful I will get Saturday plus my phone refused to charge and even a new plug. I tried one last thing and it helped but it charged slow. When it rains I seem to catch up to it:(

        Liked by 1 person

      8. wwwpalfitness

        I do I am OK unless something life threatening. My other stull is dependent on work. I have seen myself right before seeing the PA and i was normal color, not sweaty as opposed to some parties I worked 12 hours. She said I was pale and clammy when she had not touched me. The Hospital drivers said I don’t know why you are clammy and pale when you actually look like you have gotten some sun in and normally I would have. They said you are otherwise fine. IDK it could’ve mainly been stress but some say when you give blood you get it back and others say you don’t and that makes your heart harder to get to the extremities and I fall into that category. She was asking for every test I ever took, first day working there but over zealous. I have been sweating profuself and stumbling while helping my sister with moving into the storage units a few years back when my injury was close and the meds I was weaning off caused major withdrawal and she can’t see that I had been off, way off

        Liked by 1 person

      9. wwwpalfitness

        My mother used to think I made these things up and that I was a hypocondriac. I would get to the dr and have some off the chart vitals but I was fine otherwise. I have gone through so many workups and been in case studies it is scary. I have a high heart rate unless i get into distance shape. Basically I have been told I have less blood than I should. Plus I have constricting veins. Ephepdrine has been around 1000s of years and it is a great energy booster at 25mcg but it vasodilates. It was a non activate ingredieant in many multis until some kids huffed a whole bag and 2 died and a 400 pound basketball in Arizona was running having taking a dozen and went out running to get his heat down. The thing that bothers me the most are my eyes. Anything I take makes em blurry and if I do not sleep I am blurry anyway. I set my gastro appt for 2 weeks as I could not get earlier. By then I probably will not have symptoms. The PS could have ordered the sonogram of my esophagus but did not want to bc I refused to go to the hospital as she was more concerned with my high heart rate. They did an Ekh, normal, blood pressure normal, normally I sweat a lot at doctors and she said I was yellow and clammy. The emts said I looked tan and my skin was fine.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. wwwpalfitness

        Most people do not do this but runners do and that is take their pulse. Early every X country season I would start a warm up run strong and then have 2 walk. Two weeks later I would be doing 5 miles in 29 minutes. It happened every year. Now I have to much pain to push myself past it to get comfortable, though 2 years ago I was and then I took off the summer. There were no meets and most tracks are off limits and game after game of any sport pays the school to keep people off of them. But I will. I hate getting slight tingling or knowing my blood isn’t doing what it should. Mind you, they were all scared to death Monday and thought I needed an ER, they have not even called with my blood work results. It could just be that they are pissed but ERs get people sick, most of them are very time consuming things and I said it’s 5 pm I can’t risk not being home right now. I was talking fine, doing arithmetic, spelled my name backward and the doctors wanted me to go but once the emts saw me alone, they said I see your hr going up and down 50 beats yet you are otherwise fine.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. wwwpalfitness

        Well I would say the last 4 years stay in bed. It is a challenge especially due to space but I have to not only strengthen hurting areas, give them endurance to with stand needs that pop up and due to no spring and my non desire to do much outside I have been limited to doing very little. I have to do more to be able to do more

        Liked by 1 person

      12. wwwpalfitness

        Yea it is. Today did not help. I thought I had more money on me and wrote up a pick 4, meaning winning 4 races in a row. I was playing 2x3x4x3 for 36. I decided I would single the second leg and add one to either the first or last leg. Making it a 18 if I did so. Worked Thursday and made no money in tips, which is crazy. One of my friends owed me some money and we were supposed to hit an otb and she could not make it. So I had less than I wanted and had to take one horse out and I play almost all horses with the name Kitten in it as the stallion is a monster. I couldn’t single her at 20-1, so I did a 5-1, picked wrong and the payout was 5774. Now everything hurts more.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. wwwpalfitness

        It could’ve been worse and I used only one 1 horse in the last race, saw that juicy 1170 in the first three legs and use just 1 horse in a 20 horse field would be insane. I would’ve hated staying out to lose the last race. Though I would have singled the favorite anyway. But yea it sucks. I am going to watch Captain America Civil war 2 weeks before it comes out.

        Liked by 1 person

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