Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships

Published on by Tosha Michelle

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This is an excerpt from a silly little book I wrote called Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships. You can find it on Amazon. But save your money, a lot of it can be found here on this site. I suck at self promotion. It’s okay, because I’m so good everything else. I’m kidding.

Men, what you need to know about women:

1. We women like to be taken, but not in a way that requires our fathers to bring out their particular set of skills. You know, the ones they have acquired over their long career. No, we want be taken up against the wall, on the dinning room table, the bathroom counter, on your desk, etc. We love to feel wanted and desirable. Dominate us in the sexiest way possible.

2.Tears are not a sign of weakness. It’s OK to be sensitive (unless you’re crying because you have nothing to wear, or you missed a “Real Housewives” episode)

3 There are two places tighty whities belong, on babies, or in the trash.

4. The vacuum cleaner and mop will not bite you. Go ahead, try them on for size. I dare you.

5 Sometimes all we need to hear is “No, honey, let me do it.”

6.Cologne is sexy, but no need to bathe in it.

7. A kiss on the hand at the right time can be quite lovely, at the wrong time, equally as creepy.

8. By all means, be the man in the relationship when it comes to killing bugs, or opening jars. We don’t mind.

9. However, never tell us what to do. EVER!

10. We want to be your muses but not in a sleazy photographer kind of way. We long to bring out your inner Shakespeare, not Larry Flynt.

11. Withhold nothing. We need to know where all the carbon goes, and why prime numbers remain a mystery. I’m looking at you, Riemann hypothesis. Why is it all so weird? Oh, and everyone you have ever dated, and what you had for lunch, and how your day was, and what your brother said on the phone. Etc
.
12. Your mother was right, manners matter. Prove to us chivalry is not dead.

13. Please don’t tell us to calm down. You calm down!

14. I mentioned this last time but felt the need to reiterate, no, we do not want to see a picture of the little engine that could. Keep it wrapped up, buddy, until sexy time (which reminds me, never call sex, sexy time.)

15. Just because your friends might find us appealing doesn’t mean we want to to be with them. (unless your friends are Timothy Olyphant or Jon Stewart)

16. Please talk about your feelings. We want to know what’s going on in those heads of yours. However, we don’t have to have a come to Jesus meeting or an Oprah moment.

17. Douchebaggery is never a winning look. Wear compassion and humanity instead.

18.There’s nothing hotter than a man with tools, unless it’s a man with a book.

19. We like wearing your old college sweatshirt or sleeping in your t-shirt. Prepare to share. It makes us feel close to you.

20. All we need is affection, attention, love, chocolate — and a guy with a big…………………………………………………………….

brain.

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130 thoughts on “Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships”

  4. I love this, Tosha. I think you could give “Dear Abby” a run for her money with your sage advice. Maybe you can start another blog…I’m serious ;)xo

    Ellie

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  5. I have already checked it out from Amazon after a lovely friend of yours introduced your books on his blog. It was nice of him to tell us how absolutely fabulous you are. I didn’t mention it earlier but now I have a chance. And your reviews were out of this world. You rock, Tosha. Have a great Friday. xo

    Liked by 5 people

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  9. I wish I had this list 13 years ago. Instead of being expected to “just know” these things. Lol
    And as always your writing is amazing. Take care Tosha.

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  14. Very nice post and I love the checklist. Most people do not but sometimes you just want to scream and be heard or just between two people. It depends on the situation I am glad I would not have much issues with a list like this one as I do not find myself falling any of them:)

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  17. Tosha, I want you to know I’m rolling on the floor with laughter. These are wonderful, No. 13 and 14 classic! The phrase, “sexy time” is making my skin crawl, hilarious! This is so good, thank you, what a wonderful way to start the day! You’re a favorite for sure, for sure! Have a fabulous Friday. ~ Mia

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      1. OMG! You are so funny! The cat is looking at me like wtf? I am laughing so hysterically right now, I can hardly write this! Hahahahahaha! Thank you, sending you many hugs for this and a *wink*!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Amen! Speak it sister!!! Men should have this written on the walls of men’s rooms everywhere. It can go right under whichever naughty ditty they think is funny at the time.

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  20. I’m a new fan in love. Your words; all your beautiful words, of Grace under fire & pain of no fear.
    How dare you; I might add. I was enjoying myself of a perfectly misorable death. It’s been years since I put pen to paper.
    Your words have awakened my mind, & beat on my chest, to follow your thoughts until I could no longer hold my eyes open, only to find my soul is missing.
    My dear Lady of Thorns.
    What on earth have you done?

    Wildest of Roses
    Soft sweet pebbels shown to bare,
    the brightest of pinks lure eyes to stare.

    So wild this rose, her velvet lips missed.
    To forsake all souls, after once been kissed.

    Lone & proud she sets, in full blooms so bold. Tice the sences to feel, and ever longing to hold.

    A spell binding grasp, of pure desires to share. But protected from caress, where frozen hearts never dare.

    Carnal secerts to remain unknown, rooted deep in the mind of thorns on throne.

    Erotic barbs pierce all they can, as pains of lust bleed out her man.

    Then evil stares driven of fright, mix posion to blood for satin’s deight.

    Pebbled shadows harbor points, all worthly of seeing.
    Before vain beauty reveals, it’s toxic reason for being….
    X4H

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  25. Oh! Yes Mam…. No doubt, much much more.
    That was a story of my sociopathic ex, & the acceptance, that some hearts were made to broken.
    So Sorry! It was late or early, I never know.

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  26. Thank you, for your compassion.
    She was only a lesson to be learned.
    That’s my only negative little story.
    The lost of my my high school sweetheart, & mother of my children, to cancer leaves a hole, but the days we shared are enteral.
    I love your writings, as well all the things You stand for.
    Your wit & wisdom is as sharp as the thorns you speak of & much deeper than
    my simple mind can reach.
    Blog ? Not sure how to do that. Yet.
    I’m not even sure how I found you, I just know I couldn’t get enough.
    Bless you.
    Dale

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  31. We really aren’t that difficult, now are we? This is hilarious and I wholeheartedly agree. Must go find your book. I suck at self-promotion too, but I’m glad you mentioned it. You do funny & sexy pretty amazingly well woman.

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      1. I think both sexes are guilty of overthinking at times. Men are simpler overall, and by that I mean they *usually* don’t have as much internal dialogue going on, and they wish we would say exactly what we think. Problem for us is…well, that can change daily. Of course I only speak for me. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  34. Un grand bonjour MICHELLE en ce dimanche

    Chez moi celui-ci est pluvieux et bien gris
    Mon petit passage sur ton magnifique blog
    Pour embellir ta journée
    Ou les mots ne sont que douceur
    Quelques mots de bonheur
    Pour que ta journée soit de couleur
    Avec toute mon Amitié
    Je te souhaite une agréable journée

    En t’offrant cette rose en cadeau


    Bisous amicales Bernard

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    1. I’m on board with everything except #4.
      You can stop that sexist claptrap.
      If there’s a guy out there who doesn’t help clean then you have found the wrong one sister. We are not all like that.
      Enjoyed the piece., but can’t like AGAIN!!
      Tatty-boo y’all

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      1. I agree. I’m ready to go. As for the like situation. Try unfollowing me and then following me back I’ve read from a few people that works. Have fun with the twin peaks. You should do your own list of what men wish women knew. I’m sure it would be utterly ridiculous ike your face. I’m so mean!!! I can’t be too nice, can I? It would go to your head. Tally whatever the hell you said to you too

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      2. I will try that later.
        I should! Would be fun.
        Like my face. That wasn’t mean: that was soooooo yawn! Haha try harder, wench!
        Byeeeeee

        Liked by 1 person

      3. How about I come to Yorkshire and pop you in that smart mouth? You like how I talk big with 3,000 miles of ocean between us. I ain’t afraid of no Brit. Anyway, piss off, you deranged screw, go find a wood beam to crank into. Tatty tatty Boohoo

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You Americans with your propensity for violence! 😉
        Liked that insult betterererer!
        You pickled, fermented egg!
        Goooooodbyeeeee!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Shit! Is she British?! She is terrible and a cruel representative of how society is crumbling. She must be from Lancashire!!
        What the actual fornicating donkey’s knob did the last line mean!! Ya goon!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I don’t know what you’re taking about. I was simply talking about making applesauce while sitting criss cross. Not Chris cross. Why ya gotta make weird, dude. Oh, that’s right, you’re of the EL James tribe. I thought British people are supposed to be reserved and refined. The whole stiff upper lip. Y’all are just full of surprises.

        Liked by 1 person

  35. I’m not British! I’m me-ish!
    A whole new kettle of frogs.
    As for chrissing and crossing.
    I feel you may need to plug your ears, for I fear your brain may be seeping out, my lovely.
    EL James tribe? Not moi. I have an image of them all sat around a dung fire, embers dying, trying to find yet another word for penis.
    The Neanderthal fool that she is. Peace out.

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    1. Ha-ha. Thanks. Now I have that image in my head. It’s quite hilarious. Pretty sure, my brain starts seeping out as soon as I just started engaging with the likes of your meness. Thanks for bringing out my inner guy. I didn’t know I had one. It’s kind of cool, not being all girly and soft.

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      1. Now you’re repeating yourself, my sweet!
        I fear I have broken you!
        NOOOOOOOOO!
        Allow me to glue you back together again, dearest Humpty!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve written two pieces whilst sparring with your daft self! TQM, my dear.
        EL is manky-eyed vision of a warty demon.
        Have fun, chocolate buns xx

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Ah, my mistake.
        You being of southern stock, I was mistaken into thinking it was some voodoo shit going on.

        Like

      13. You do!
        Phew! I can relax now.
        Awwww! It’s nice to know you hurt folk who “go by” me!
        Are you my likkle bodyguard?!
        (I say likkle because I am only aware of your head and shoulders)

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      14. And that how it shall remind, the rest of me would be your undoing. I must protect you from all this awesomeness ha-ha. I’m rolling my own eyes. Yeah, I’m full of bull but not full of myself, thankfully. I vow to protect you from me. I can’t promise to protect you from big guys named Jake with beefy arms and prisons tats though.

        Liked by 1 person

  36. Oh this is soooo rich! 🙂 “…a guy with a big…brain”, lol! Okay, note to self. Keep the little engine that could under wraps…just not wrapped in tighty whities. Commando is always a great option and now I feel validated. #1 is a great option as well. I am downloading instructions now for how to operate the vacuum… 😉

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  37. LOL! Yes and yes and yes again! I feel like I should copy and paste your list to any potential future men I might date. Some might feel it’s silly, but it explains so nicely in such easy to read language that they can’t possibly get it wrong. 😀 (wicked grin)

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